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The pre-internet Yellow Pages, it would seem, were something of a "window into the soul" to churches. Perhaps this was because such ads were not taken that seriously or overthought; thus the honesty came through? Nowadays, websites are highly fussed-over and often done by people who don't even attend the church. The old Yellow Page ads, however, gave-away much about the nature of a church. Here are the basic categories, with some spoof examples that are only a bit more absurd than actual.
This tells much about the focus of the church. If it is an actual photo, be prepared to hear lots of "give till it hurts" sermons to pay the mortgage through faithful tithing. Worse still, if it is a drawing with the word "future" under it, expect all the sermons to wrap back around to the point of making generous contributions to the building fund.
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Here we have a mug shot of the pastor. Typically, and oddly enough, the picture is not even appealing. An improvement is a picture of the pastor and his wife (or vice-versa), which conveys co-ministry. If kids are shown in the pastor's vanity shot, the focus will be on families and singles might want to try elsewhere.
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The idea here is to appeal to a niche market overtly. While ostensibly a "church", the real rallying point is some fleshly, social consideration--similar to secular social clubs. You will see ads appealing to prospects who are single, or divorced, or gay, or whatever. Most typical are appeals to marital status, ethnicity, or age.
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This ad will proudly display a list of amenities the church offers. These are meant to sell you on creature comforts, in return for your regular giving and patronage.
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These are the best sort of ads in general, although they tend towards milk instead of meat. Occasionally the name of the church is taken from a scriptural word or phrase, even in Greek! But more often the verse is added in italics after the church's name. Don't expect to find verses like "Repent or parish" (pun intended) in this style, but rather cloying sweetness and religious phraseology extraordinaire. In contrast, here is an ad we'd like to see.
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Nearly every church seems to think they need not only a name, but a byline. So we have: First Fellowship - The Church that Cares, or Relevant Teaching, or With Pastor Pete. We find it fun to invert these to show how banal the differentiation asserted is: The Church that Could Care Less, or Irrelevant Teaching, or We Got Rid of Pastor Pete.
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...Where You Fit In |
Many of the churches listed in the Yellow Pages--were you to visit them--have top-notch sound systems, lighting systems to rival a Las Vegas show, and multi-thousand dollar signage. So what's up with the low-budget "praying hands" clip-art, or "cross with extended shadow" pasted in? From such otherwise slick churches, how do these ads get past quality control?
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Coffee shop? Dept store? Nickname for a sports personality or team?
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Any we have missed? Email us with your suggestions.
Nicolaitan Assembly
Greek Church 
